BDSM for beginners advice 

The important thing to remember with BDSM is that it’s about having fun! It’s easy to get worried initially about what it means about you, how to do it right, and whether you’re doing enough. None of these matter! There is no “right” way, it’s not a race to be the kinkiest person, and doesn’t make you a bad person. BDSM is about having a great fun time with your partner/s. The key things to remember is to keep it SSC Safe, Sane and Consensual. So if you’re not sure how to do something do a bit of research to keep it safe (or if it’s something a bit more risky/dangerous then a lot of research), even if something sounds really hot, make sure it sounds like a sane rational thing to try, and make sure both/all people involved in it understand everything and give their consent. 

Some key tips to help your scenes go well:

Alcohol/drugs cloud your judgement and also reduce sensation. If you’re trying something new it can be tempting to have a few drinks for courage, but it’s best if you limit alcohol consumption to the minimum - if you feel too shy think of other ways to get your confidence up. (See below.)

Having something that clearly denotes the start and end of your scene/playtime helps make it obvious when you are in role and when you are in regular mode, especially if you are playing with your life partner. A common one is putting on a collar, stripping off, or putting on a particular sexy outfit, or maybe a combination.

Communicate! And be honest. Talk before you try kink about what interests you, what scares you, what you don’t want to try, and any other factors such as a sore back, stressful week, medication you’re on, what time you need to finish etc. All parties should talk freely before play - it’s not a sub telling the Dominant what to do, but merely giving suggestions, tips, ideas and inspiration. The Dominant should never feel pressured from this to do things they don’t want to, find common ground and start from there.

Don’t push yourself too far. Know your limits, start slow, and don’t try things you don’t want to for the sake of the other person. There’s plenty of time in the future to try more things. Many people find over time they are interested in trying more and more things, so start slow and enjoy the journey rather than rushing too fast.

Set up a safe-word before you start a play session. This is a word the submissive (or the Dominant) can say to show they are uncomfortable with the scene and need to take a break or stop. The purpose of choosing a word rather than “no” or “stop” is that you may want to play with punishing the submissive and those words may be said in the heat of the moment. Whereas, a word such as pineapple will have to be thought of before it’s said so you know as the Dominant they have thought about it and decided it’s too intense if they say pineapple. A common system is the traffic light system - green means everything is fine please carry on, Amber means things are getting close to being too much or the submissive needs to bring attention to something such as pins and needles while in bondage which needs to be sorted out straight away but doesn’t need the whole scene to stop, and red means stop the whole scene. Even when you have a safe-word, don’t feel as the Dominant that if your submissive is saying ouch, stop, I don’t like it, that you have to carry on. If you’re not sure if they are enjoying it, you can check in with them - ask if they are ok, ask if they need to safe-word, ask if they need you to slow the pace down. As you become more experienced, you will find more elegant ways to read your partner's body language and check in without sounding too concerned, but when you are starting out it’s perfectly fine to ask if they are ok even if they haven’t safe-worded. Do what feels right for you as the Dominant and don’t push yourself to be mean and powerful if it doesn’t feel right, take it at your own pace. You can always be meaner next time!

Switch off from the real world during your play. It’s all about escapism and enjoying time with the person you are playing with. That will be a lot harder if you keep checking your phones, so unplug and concentrate on what you are doing. This might mean it takes a bit of planning to find the right time, but that means it also allows the anticipation to build up and makes the time quality time together. 

Allow time afterwards for cuddles and aftercare. BDSM play is often intense. It involves emotions, sensations, connection. Finishing the scene and instantly trying to return to real life can often be difficult. So, when you are planning your playtime, allow at least 20 minutes afterwards where you can have a drink, possibly a cuddle and/or a chat and have time to both return to the real everyday world at a gentle pace.

Don’t rush into thinking you have to buy everything and try everything just because you’ve decided you’re kinky. If you’re going to try an impact play scene (providing a variety of sensations to your partner) and you’re a new Dominant don’t think you immediately need a paddle, two floggers, canes, and a whip and to be an expert with them all. Pick one or two items, learn how to use them, practice by hitting the sofa at home, and just focus on those and your hands during the scene so you can feel confident with the one or two items you are using and focus on your partner and having fun rather than worrying about remembering how to use everything. If you enjoy it you can add to your collection gradually over time and add in new fun treats and sensations as you go.

If you’re nervous as the Dominant about being watched put a blindfold on the submissive. It will heighten the sensation and anticipation for the submissive and also take the pressure off you as you won’t feel you are being watched!